Modern Day Pharisee Part 2: The Overcomer

Modern Day Pharisee: The Overcomer
I recently wrote about the Modern-day Pharisee. I bared my soul as this is an area of my life in which I was struggling and ultimately kept me from the relationship I wanted to have with Jesus. To be honest, I am an imperfect human who is full of flaws and probably doing more wrong than right, but I am striving to correct my wrongs and shortcomings to avoid the treacherous path of a Modern-Day Pharisee.
I am a recovering Pharisee. That phrase is heavy and quite frankly hard to say. Embarrassing, you bet and even more humbling than anything. I never thought that I would be walking the path of a modern-day Pharisee. Before I knew it, I was headed down a destructive path. I chose being right over Jesus just as the Pharisees did back in the day. I chose bitterness and anger instead of forgiveness. I wanted a relationship with God on my terms and conditions. I would give certain parts of my life but not all of it. I would hold back any area that I deemed I needed to hold on to for whatever reason. I allowed bitterness and grief to completely own every inch of me as a person. My heart became so hard. 
Here's the deal. I am striving to live a life that at the end of my days, God will say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” If I were to die tomorrow, do I think this would be my welcome home? Youch. That is a tough question after realizing that at one point I had more in common with the Pharisee than Jesus. Here’s the deal, I am a mess. I think I am opinionated and a recovering addict of pride. I think there is always something I can do better and differently to walk a closer walk with Jesus. I know I could watch my tone more closely. I know I can be more compassionate towards others regardless of the situation. We all know that my legalistic mind needs a break from playing Judge Judy. 
I am getting real and intentional and real intentional with my time with God. Whether it is reading/ listening to my Bible, listening to a podcast, doing research for a blog and having a good Biblical discussion, I am going all in. I am not checking the boxes. In fact, in my Bible app, I am intentionally going against the grain. I listen and read to soak it in and understand the message, not to fulfill the obligations of day 45 of some reading plan.
One of the greatest turnoffs to non-believers is the fake Christian persona. Meaning you claim Christianity as your religion, and you live your life in a contradictory manner. I am guilty of this. Pride owned me and how I communicated with others. Pride owned how I looked at my kids and the sports they participated in. This has been a tough area for me as I love good competition, but God has a way of humbling our hearts. Our daughter went to college to play softball. She struggled with ongoing back pain, neck and shoulder issues which included pain, numbness and tingling in her fingers and hand. After an exhaustive year of physical therapy, dry needling and countless doctor’s visits, she made the decision to hang up the cleats to prevent further damage. I grieved this decision more than she did. I grieved a sport that had occupied countless hours of this blonde-haired firecracker slinging pitches to her dad while he sat on a bucket. For more years than not, our weekends were spent at the ballfields, our date nights consisted of shared cold nachos under the ballfield lights. All this was ending. I was not ready for this chapter to close. The time we spent on the way to practices and games were some of my favorite memories of this parenting journey. My daughter was at peace with this decision. She has always been a sense of strength and wisdom for me. She is the reason I started attending church as an adult. Her sweet little prayers convicted my heart of where we needed to be and how this little soul desperately sought Jesus in her life. I was reminded of His timing, not mine. We made a lot of memories.
I am trying to retrain my brain that being right is not a battle that I need to participate in anymore. I am a ‘I like things my way kind of girl.’ That has gotten me about nowhere but into arguments that I should have avoided in the first place. I am learning to pick my battles and compromise. 
A Pharisee would go full scale warrior mode to prove their way is right and the only way. A Pharisee would argue simply for the sake of arguing. A disciple applies what the Teacher has taught them. I know I believed in the scriptures, but I failed to live out the scriptures in my everyday life. 
I am learning what true grace looks and feels like. I have also struggled in this area. I am working to forgive the wrong instead of bottling up frustrations and issues until Vesuvius erupts and all heck breaks loose. I have kicked the free-rent yielding squatters also known as anger and unforgiveness out of my head. In all honesty, sometimes I have a hard enough time remembering why I walked into a room why would I allow squatters to occupy this space? Join me in serving the free-rent taking, problem causing areas in your life an eviction notice and move forward as a true disciple in grace and humility.
Repentance should be on the forefront of your mind and the actions of your heart. Repentance should be a daily action in your relationship with Jesus. We are merely humans. We will never reach a level of perfection. This is where we have a conversation with Jesus to confess our sins. This conversation refreshes and renews your relationship with Christ. This keeps me humble and allows for the flow of grace. Pride kept me from repenting. Pride and failure to repent hardened my heart, stole my joy and for me it bound the healing process. Personally, I believe that weakness and vulnerability make you realtable to others and allows for the standard of living as a community to flourish. A Pharisee will avoid an outward appearance of weakness and vulnerability. A Pharisee cannot be about community as they are too entrapped with maintaining their reputations and status. As a community of disciples, we must surrender our flesh to Christ.
I was guilty of condoning others for actions that I too participated in. I had a really bad habit of telling myself that it was not nearly as bad as what so and so did. It was a little gossip and just one drink would not hurt anything or anyone. I lived the life of a hypocrite. I would condemn others and fail to look in the mirror. I think I secretly knew that it was a way of being angry with myself but blaming it on others somehow allowed me to come to terms with the situation. All this did was aid in my downfall and brought to light I was living behind a smoke screen. Alcohol has been a crutch more times than I can count. For many years, when life was challenging and rather than dealing with stuff, I would mask the problem and shove it down the deepest hole I could find. I am flawed. I will be the first person to tell you that. I am far place from perfect. I can see now how incredibly hypocritical I have been, and it is just embarrassing. 
After becoming pregnant in 2023 and losing that baby as a result of an ectopic pregnancy, I wanted to numb the intense pain. The pain was not physical, it was a deep emotional pain I have never experienced. For the first time, I understood how folks could get addicted to pain pills. I understood how alcohol could create a euphoric moment, but it was always just that, a moment. I hated processing my emotions but more than that, I despised feeling those emotions. I sought help to get out of the rut that I was in. I took a low dose medication to help with my emotions. I continued seeking God throughout, but I can tell you as a stuffer; feeling, processing and dealing with these emotions was harder than I could handle. I remember thinking grief should not take this long. I would think to myself, you never met this baby, you never held this child, you were only in the first trimester…. Well, a life is a life regardless of the duration of said life. We really need to get back to realizing the sanctity of human life and what that truly means and not to measure life against another. 
I am spending quality time with and in the Word of God. I am not simply marking off an item on the to do list of a reading plan, I am actually behind schedule in my reading plan. I am focusing on transforming myself to love others well. I am working towards honoring and growing my relationship with Christ. 
I am under no preconceived notions as to how a Jesus lovin’, disciple in the making should look and live. I used to have a warped belief about church goers. I want to do better in loving people right where they are in their life. I want to love as Jesus did and that means that I need to offer love regardless of which side of the political spectrum a person is on. I need to love those who disagree with me. It was a humbling moment, when researching for this post. I realized that I was living more for me than living to honor Jesus. At the end of the day, I am trying to pursue a life that will end with, “well done good and faithful servant.”